Blog Post
The “Most” Wonderful Time of the Year
By Sarah Dean
The most wonderful time of the year – the holidays. On the surface, holidays are strung with garlands, adorned with glittering decorations, and scored with the most jovial music. Cheesy movies show us whirlwind romances under the mistletoe, reconciled families, and communities coming together.
But, unfortunately, it’s not always that picture-perfect. For many people, the holidays can be anxiety-inducing family affairs with little escape, or a reminder of the time no longer spent with family. Especially for those of us in the LGBTQ+ community who have experienced rejection at home, this season can be the least wonderful time of the year.
So, how do we cope? I wish writing this that I could even fully answer that for myself. Today one of my students asked me how my parents responded when I came out. As always, I was honest with him – it has irreparably damaged those relationships.
A coworker overheard and motioned that she has been in the same situation; later when talking to me she remarked that our families are only missing out on us and how incredible we are.
I must remind myself often that people who do not see my value, in all of who I am, are not worthy of my time. However, it is easier to say than to feel, when wounds are barely healed and the holidays bear so many memories. I can’t pretend I have the perfect solution, but here are the things I’ve learned to help myself.
Be with chosen family.
Family is so often the people who are not related to us. The love and care I have been shown by people who have no biological obligation to me is astounding, especially when those who should be obligated to me can’t offer the same. Friends, who are beyond friends, with whom I spend my holidays are the ones who truly support and accept me as I am. You deserve to feel comfortable and safe as you are, and to be with the people who make you feel that way.
If you cannot physically be with your chosen family, utilize technology. A phone call or FaceTime is a great way to be present with the people you love even from a distance. Additionally, playing a video game together or using something like Netflix Party to sync up and watch a movie together can keep you connected to your chosen family.
Make a plan, even if it’s solo.
An aimless wandering mind is more likely to dwell on the pain and hurt you may be experiencing at the holidays. Having a plan of what you will be doing on days when you might previously have been with your family can help to distract so the day is still enjoyable. It could be as simple as what you are going to do at home, like cook a nice meal for yourself and watch a movie or have a self-care day. It could be indulging in one of your hobbies or visiting somewhere in your community you’ve always wanted to go.
You can be with others or with yourself, whichever you need, but having structure for yourself can aid in making it through this time of year. If you must be with family, you can still make a plan for what your day will look like. Maybe in the morning you help prep food or spend time outside cleaning the yard or decorating. Maybe there is a task you can take over on your own, still being helpful to your family but giving yourself space at the same time. Even if the day is structured for you, deciding how you will fit within it and make space for yourself is still important.
Don’t be anywhere or do anything you don’t want to.
While this might sound like obvious advice, I spent so many years being in places and doing things I had no interest in for the sake of others. You can make the choices that are right for you, even if that means distancing yourself from family or familial events. Especially if you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, forming new traditions on your own and separating yourself could be healing.
Unfortunately, if you are under 18 and under your parent’s care, you might have to be in places you don’t want to. Try to bring something with you that could still be a mental escape, like a book, a game, or a sketchbook. If you have safe people in your family, try to stick by them and find the spots where you can feel more at ease.
Be kind to yourself.
Allow yourself to feel what you need. Maybe you don’t fully understand the anxiety the season is bringing up and are caught off guard by emotion. Or perhaps you feel irreverent about the holidays treat them with apathy. Or even a mix of both.
Whatever you are feeling, let yourself experience and process it. Try not to let the season be dictated by pain but find ways to make it joyful and new. Only you can determine what that will look like. Be gentle with yourself as you figure it out.
All in all, I believe we as queer people can carve new paths for ourselves in service of those happy holiday endings. Those endings might look different than Hallmark, and might look different for each one of us, but they are ours for the taking.
Sarah Dean is an 8th grade English teacher based in Nashville, TN with a passion for uplifting LGBTQ+ students. From her childhood in California to her new adventures in Tennessee, Dean has always loved to write, seeing words and art as a beautiful way to develop empathy and compassion for others. Deen’s school is the recipient of grant money from our 50 States. 50 Grants. 5000 Voices. initiative in both 2022 and 2023.